Five Epiphanies
by captain starbuck
Summary: Post 11x05. Five events in her life cause Callie to re-evaluate her decision to end her marriage.


**Title:** Five Epiphanies

**Author:** captstarbuck

**Rating:** M (language and later chapters)

**Pairing**: Callie/Arizona

**Disclaimers: ** All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. (I don't own any of the characters from Grey's Anatomy.

**Summary:** My take on post 11x05.

**Editor/Beta:** Thanks to Stacy d'Lacy best beta, bar none, who swallowed her distaste for 11x05 and beta read this for me. A special thanks to Pensco_0927 for the helpful chats. It's your turn now.

**Five Epiphanies**

**Prologue**

Callie hadn't known what to expect when she'd left her wife sitting in the therapist's office. She hadn't planned on ending her marriage. Like many of her decisions in the past, she hadn't given it much thought. Callie only knew at that moment, that despite the pain and devastation on Arizona's face, she had felt a weight lift from her shoulders with every step that carried her away.

She hadn't, however, been prepared for the repercussions that immediately followed. She hadn't really given a lot of thought to what would happen after the decision was made. The initial fallout had been swift and bitter. After picking up Sofia, she'd come home to Arizona packing several suitcases. Callie knew that Arizona's go-to emotion was anger when the blonde was feeling scared or hurt so it hadn't surprised her when Arizona remained silent, refusing to talk to her and refusing any help.

It wasn't until Arizona headed for the door one last time with her last suitcase that Callie had confronted her. The blonde had tersely replied that the house was for her, Callie and Sofia, and there was "no way in hell" she was going to spend another minute in it. With that, Arizona had left. It wasn't until she was getting ready for bed that Callie saw the diamond and sapphire ring sitting on the pillow on what had once been their bed. It was that night that Callie made the choice to continue sleeping in the guest bedroom.

The first few weeks after Arizona had left, Callie had thoroughly enjoyed being a single parent, a single woman. She found it actually a bit liberating to come home with the fear of wondering what she and Arizona would be arguing about that night, or tip-toeing around each other, both afraid of upsetting the other. She spent time with Sofia, and after putting her daughter to bed, had a glass (or two) of wine while she worked guilt-free on her research, or watched trashy TV shows.

Sure, it had been hard at first to work out a schedule for Sofia with Arizona. Arizona refused to come to the house that had once been her home, and had refused to let Callie know where she was living. That left them using the day care for the exchange. They communicated strictly via email when it came to Sofia, with an occasional text if one of them was running late or surgery blew the schedule up.

It still irked Callie that she didn't know where Arizona was living. She hadn't even known where the blonde had gone their first night apart. When she didn't hear a word from Arizona for three days, not even to ask about Sofia, the Latina had been livid; she thought for sure that Arizona had taken a runner. It wasn't until she received an email from Arizona asking her to set up a schedule for Sofia that she knew the blonde had stuck around.

The only news she had of Arizona whereabouts came from overhearing the gossiping nurses (who all instantly closed their mouths as soon as they saw the Ortho surgeon). That was how she found out the Peds Surgeon had camped out in her office. It was shortly after that piece of news that one of the daycare workers informed her that Arizona had lunch with Sofia every day. Callie was a little put out by that, but she also appreciated the heads up. Knowing a little of Arizona's schedule allowed the Latina to alter her own schedule so she could avoid seeing the blonde.

She put her foot down on Arizona taking Sofia if the Peds surgeon was going to live in her office. That had set off a flurry of angry email exchanges. She won that round and Arizona soon informed her that she'd found a place to live. When Callie had questioned it, wanted to make sure it was fit for Sofia, the emails had become so heated Callie thought her laptop was going to burst into flames. Round two went to the irate blonde.

The nights that Sofia was with Arizona, Callie had gone out drinking with Meredith (yeah, that was a friendship she'd _never_ imagined), or she went out for drinks with Avery and Owen. The celebrating and brainstorming with the guys, however, had dwindled to a random quick drink here and there. Avery was spending more and more time with his wife and Callie couldn't fault him for that. April's due date was rapidly approaching and he wanted to be nearby. Owen, well, outside of work, Callie had started to get creeped out by the weird vibe she was picking up from the trauma surgeon. One time she thought he was going to kiss her, and Callie hadn't said anything, but she made it clear that _that_ wasn't going to _ever_ happen.

**Part One – Photographs and Memories**

In all honesty, the drinking with Meredith was probably unhealthy for both of them. The two of them could only bitch about and trash their spouses so many times. That part of their friendship was getting old. Spending time with Meredith, however, Callie had come to appreciate the general surgeon's sarcastic sense of humor, and she had a better understanding of the twisted sisters' friendship. And Callie still needed to laugh, and Meredith's somewhat snarky humor was always entertaining.

It wasn't until about a month or so after Arizona had left, on a night when Meredith had been unable to join her at Joe's, that Callie realized that she'd been avoiding being at the house by herself. She wandered about the house, the silence unsettling. Unwilling to delve into the feelings that were threatening to bubble to the surface, Callie decided to fall back on one of Arizona's old avoidance tricks. The Latina rolled up her sleeves and set out to thoroughly clean the house.

As she scrubbed countertops and floors, Callie began to understand why Arizona cleaned. There was almost something cathartic about it. She didn't have time to think about the silence or how lonely she suddenly felt. She was even able so suppress for a short time the fact that she even missed the arguing and fights that had filled the house.

And it helped her to ignore that unexpected pang in her chest when she came across something that belonged to Arizona.

Pushing aside the sudden flare of anger, and her sudden desire to throw out anything that was Arizona's, Callie found a box and started pitching anything that she uncovered that was connected to the blonde. She even mentally patted herself on the back for being so adult about it. _Maybe there really is something to being alone_, she thought as she placed another book of Arizona's into the second box she'd had to start. _Maybe I needed to spend time alone to grow up_.

When she found the pair of heelies in the back of the closet, Callie had had enough. She didn't want to be taking a stroll down memory lane. She didn't feel strong enough for that just yet. With a sigh, she got up from the floor. She quietly closed the door to the bedroom they once shared and returned to the kitchen to open another bottle of wine. Having boxes of Arizona's stuff meant she would have to somehow give those same boxes to the blonde. She supposed she could text Arizona or even email her, but she almost dreaded the response she'd get. Maybe Arizona would tell her throw it all out. She could understand that. Didn't she kind of tell Arizona she had thrown away five years of their lives?

_Was she throwing away her marriage? Had she hung on too long to her marriage, like a box of memories?_

**Part Two – Two Words**

Board meetings had never been what Callie would call fun, but they were now just plain uncomfortable. She no longer sat beside Arizona. In fact, the blonde had moved her seat to the end of the table so she sat next to no one. It was odd how the rest of the women, her, Meredith and Bailey ended up on one side of the table, with Derek, Avery and Owen facing them from the opposite side of the table. Richard sat at the other end of the table.

It wasn't just the seating arrangements that made the meetings awkward. Arizona was the prime reason, at least for Callie. The blonde rarely said anything and she always addressed her as "Doctor Torres", as if saying Callie's name was painful. Callie didn't think Arizona was doing it to irritate her, but Callie couldn't help but be annoyed by it. And it angered her even more that Arizona's frosty, but civil tone was affecting everyone in the room, even though it was directed at the Latina.

After one more unpleasant meeting that even had Bailey grumbling as she left the meeting, Callie stopped Arizona as soon as the blonde exited the room. It occurred to Callie that it would be the first time she would be speaking to Arizona since the breakup, other than when they'd worked directly on a patient. She reached out and grasped Arizona's arm to keep her from walking away.

"Arizona, I'd like a word with you," she said in a low formal tone.

The blonde looked down at the hand on her arm, then back up at Callie. Her eyes narrowed and she was clearly not happy that Callie had touched her.

"What do you want, Dr. Torres?" she said coolly as she jerked her arm free.

"What the hell, Arizona? That meeting…"

"What about it?"

"Your attitude."

"Have I been rude to anyone?"

"No, but I think you could probably give us all frostbite."

"Well, excuse me, Dr. Torres. I didn't realize it was part of my job description to make you feel all warm and fuzzy."

"It's not. That's not the point," Callie sighed, exasperated with how the conversation was going. "I'm trying to –"

The harsh laugh from the blonde's mouth cut off the Latina. "Trying?" Arizona's face was a mix of disbelief and anger. "_Trying_, Dr. Torres? You don't know the meaning of the word." She spun awkwardly on her prosthetic and limped away.

Callie's face flushed red with her anger. _How dare she dismiss her like that? Where does she get off treating her like an intern?_ She took a few steps in Arizona's direction, but then stopped. It was the words she'd used. _How can I be so dense? _ It was then that Callie realized there was another word that she would have to banish from her vocabulary.

'_Promise' and 'Try' were now two words that she'd never able to utter in front of Arizona again._

**Part Three – Dinner Guest**

Callie had never liked grocery shopping, even though she liked to cook. It wasn't until she had to keep doing it week after week that she realized how much she had relied on Arizona to do it, or how the blonde had made the shopping bearable when they'd gone together. Now the Latina just aimlessly pushed the cart up and down the aisles, Sofia seated in cart, happily munching on a box of animal crackers.

As she rounded a corner, she heard a familiar voice call out her name. She stopped and turned around.

"Mama O'Malley," she said.

The older woman enveloped Callie in a hug. It had been so long since Callie had been hugged by anyone other than Sofia. She clung to Louise O'Malley for a moment, grateful for the contact.

"Is this your daughter? Sofia?" Louise asked, spying the young girl sitting in the cart.

"Oh, right, you've never met," Callie said, stating the obvious.

"Hello, dear," the older woman said with a warm smile to Sofia.

"Hi!" Sofia replied. "Wanna a cookie?" she said, holding out one of her animal crackers.

"No, thank you," Louise answered, tickled with finally meeting Callie's daughter.

"Sofia, this is Mama O'Malley," Callie said to her daughter.

"That's not Mama," Sofia innocently said.

"You're right, sweetheart," Callie said, hoping Sofia wouldn't say anything else. "She's not Mama."

"Just call me Louise," Mama O'Malley suggested.

"Okay," Sofia answered as she dug into the box for another cookie.

"Where's your lovely wife? Dr. Robbins, was it? Is she working?" Seeing Callie's eyes suddenly water up, the older woman put a comforting hand on her former daughter-in-law's arm. "I'm so sorry, Callie. Did she pass away?"

"No, no, it's complicated," Callie whispered.

Angry and annoyed with herself over not even being able to mention Arizona without tears welling up, Callie straightened her shoulders. "Mama, do you have any plans for dinner tonight?"

Four hours and two glasses of wine later, Sofia tucked safely into bed, Callie was sitting at the kitchen table with Louise. The dinner had been nice, with Louise and Sofia becoming fast friends.

"So what happened, Callie? Where's your wife?" the older woman gently asked.

"We broke up. I mean, I ended it. She wasn't the same after I cut her leg off." Seeing the horrified look on Louise's face, Callie realized she needed to clarify her statements and she needed to do it quickly. "Oh, no, not like you think," she said.

"You cut off her leg?"

"No, not me, but I gave the order," Callie rambled. "Wait, wait, do you remember the plane crash, the one with the doctors on it?"

"Yes. I was sorry to see Lexie Grey had died. George had been fond of her."

"My wife…" Callie took a deep breath. She didn't like to use the word 'wife' unless it was during a drunken rant with Meredith. "Arizona… she was on the plane. She had a badly broken leg and infection set in. I had to give the okay to amputate her leg in order to save her life."

"How awful," Louise said, her hand going to her mouth to hide her gasp.

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"And you broke up your marriage over that?" The older woman was confused.

"No, no, not right away. We tried." Callie shuddered at that word. "We tried, but she resented me for it and she ended up cheating on me." Callie picked up her wineglass. "We separated for awhile, got back together, bought this house, but it was just too hard. I guess I couldn't forgive her for the cheating, and I just got tired of trying."

"You forgave my George when he cheated. He told me you did," Louise said.

There was a hint of something in her voice. Callie at first thought it was disapproval she was hearing. The more the Latina thought about it, the more it sounded like disappointment.

"It wasn't just that," Callie tried to explain. "We just… too many bad things kept happening to us, and we kept hurting each other."

"Do you love her?"

"Of course I do," Callie said immediately. "It was never about loving each other. We don't make each other happy, and it was… I got tired, Mama. I got tired of trying to always fix us."

"Marriage isn't easy. It's hard." Louise leaned back in her chair. "It takes a lot of work. If you love each other, then you work at it."

"It's not that simple." Callie's voice bordered on a whine.

"You have a choice, an option. You can still work it out, still see her." Louise looked away. "My Harold is gone, taken from me… and what I wouldn't give to see him again…" She leaned over and grasped Callie's hand. "If you love someone, truly love them, you hang onto them. You don't give up, because you never know when you'll never see them again."

"I don't know if I can," Callie said.

"Just think about it, Callie. Don't live a life full of regrets."

Callie got up from the table and poured them both a cup of coffee. Even though she wasn't sure she wanted to think too much about the older woman's advice, Callie had missed having a motherly figure around. Her own mother was still not speaking to her. And after Arizona had left, the Latina's phone calls with Barbara Robbins (whom she still adored) were more and more infrequent.

"Mama O'Malley, I was wondering…"

"Yes, dear?"

"Would you be interested in babysitting sometime?"

The smile that crossed Louise's face let Callie know she'd made the right decision. And maybe having her former mother-in-law around would be good for both her and Sofia.

_Perhaps there was something to what Louise said about marriage. Maybe she was supposed to work at it, not give up on it. Was she really ready to have Arizona out of her life for good?_

**Part Four – Keeping Tabs**

Callie thought that it was possible that she was turning into a kind of stalker. She'd started to hang around the surgical floor a little more frequently in hopes of catching a glimpse of Arizona, and she wasn't even sure why. She supposed it was probably because she almost never saw Arizona outside of the board meetings. With the blonde fully entrenched in her fellowship, there wasn't even an opportunity for them to work together. There wasn't much of a call for orthopedics and fetal surgery. And the few times Callie was called to Peds, it was always Alex who had called her for the consult.

Callie had watched the woman from a distance as the blonde had struggled at first. The work load of her fellowship, being a part-time single mom, and still nominally in charge of pediatric surgery had taken its toll. Arizona had been clearly exhausted and living at the hospital when it wasn't her week to have Sofia wasn't helping. Staying away and not rushing in to help Arizona was one of the hardest things she'd ever done.

Gradually though, Arizona had seemed to hit her stride. She walked around with more confidence and from everything Callie had heard Arizona was a rising star in fetal surgery. It seemed that the freedom Callie had given her had been the best thing that could've happened. And Callie resented it, just a little bit. She'd wanted Arizona to succeed, truly, she did, but a tiny part of her didn't. She was ashamed to admit that there were times she didn't want Arizona to thrive and be successful on her own.

So now she'd taken to lurking about the surgical suites, hoping but also dreading that she'd run into Arizona. Seeing the blonde in an occasional board meeting just wasn't enough, especially since the tension and awkwardness between them seemed to be easing. Arizona was still calling her "Dr. Torres" but the icy cold tone of voice had disappeared. Callie wasn't so sure, however, that it was a good thing. The cold demeanor had been replaced by one of apparent disinterest.

The Latina knew better; or at least she thought she did. Arizona, despite her professional success, still had a sad look in her eyes when she thought no one was looking. The key for Callie was the blonde's smile. There were a few moments when she had spied on Arizona and Sofia in the daycare. Callie saw how the only time Arizona's smile looked real was when she was with Sofia.

Arizona seemed to be doing what Callie was doing; putting one foot in front of the other and making it through each day as best as she could. She didn't look to be any happier or even content. The blonde's life looked to be the epitome of "fine". There were no extremes in her life; there were no great joys or disappointments. Callie supposed that Arizona had learned that she could indeed survive another loss.

As far as she knew, Arizona had no social life, other than her friendship with April and an occasional drink after work with Bailey. Callie wondered if that was going to be it for Arizona – her work and co-parenting Sofia. The Latina thought that was sad, but couldn't fault Arizona. The blonde's life was mirroring her own. Both of them seemed to just accept that it was the way it would be.

_Acceptance makes it easier_, _but it doesn't make it better or make me any happier_.

**Part Five – Special Delivery**

Callie leaned back on the park bench as she kept a close eye on her daughter. They were experiencing an unseasonably milder and sunny spell of weather. It was still cool enough to bundle Sofia up in a coat and hat, but nice enough that an afternoon at the park was warranted.

With a grin on her face, Sofia toddled over to her mother, a leaf in her hand.

"For you, Mommy," she said, thrusting the multi-hued leaf into Callie's hand.

"For me?" Callie asked.

Sofia nodded as she said, "Pretty."

"Yes, it is, Sofia. Thank you."

Sofia beamed as she returned to the play area where her new found friends for the day were running around. Her dark brown hair was tucked under the hat that Arizona had bought her. The hat had small ears on the top and a bear's nose and eyes on the front. Callie had thought it was ridiculous the first time she saw it, but Sofia loved it. Callie felt a sudden stab to her heart when she thought of Arizona buying the hat; somehow the blonde knew their daughter would just adore it.

Despite loving the chance to spend the day at the park with Sofia, Callie couldn't help but feel sad. This was the kind of day she'd always envisioned for herself and Arizona. They'd sit together and watch Sofia play, or maybe Arizona would pretend to chase Sofia, or even sit on the ground with Sofia as they talked about all the bugs and flowers together. And her dream day would have included another child, sitting in a stroller, blue eyes taking in the sights and sounds.

God, she missed Arizona. She missed sharing days like today, missed talking to her about surgeries and what adorable thing Sofia had done. She missed sitting on the sofa with Arizona, sharing a glass of wine and the latest gossip from the hospital. She missed her friend and her lover and she missed their little family.

Her bittersweet reverie was interrupted when Sofia trudged back to her mother, a tired but happy smile on her face.

"Ready to go home?" Callie asked, picking Sofia up.

"Yup," Sofia answered with a nod that reminded Callie so much of Arizona that tears sprang to her eyes.

"Well, let's get you home and get you a snack before a nap."

Sofia's face was a map of conflicting emotions. She wanted the snack, but not the nap.

"Yes, a short nap, Sofia," Callie said in a tone that she hoped would stave off any further pouting.

Sofia sighed, sounding so much like her mother that Callie almost laughed.

Once home, Callie fixed them a quick snack of peanut butter and applies. Despite her protests of not needing a nap, Sofia was nodding off before she finished eating. Callie picked up her daughter and carried her to her room. The little girl was fast asleep before her head hit the pillow. Quietly closing the bedroom door, Callie made her way down the hall, unconsciously quickening her pace to get past what was once her bedroom.

As she returned to the living room, she eyed the pile of mail that had accumulated during the week. She knew she needed a better routine when it came to that, but it had been another one of those tasks that Arizona had always done. Callie just couldn't seem to break the habit of waiting until the weekend to actually look at the mail.

She tossed the junk mail into one pile and the bills into another. It wasn't until she got to the bottom of the pile that she found an official looking envelope from the State of Washington. It was addressed to her and Arizona. She immediately dropped it, not wanting to open it. She had no idea what it could be and her first irrational thought was that they were being sued. She also didn't know if she should open it without Arizona.

Callie immediately went into the kitchen and busied herself with cleaning an already spotless kitchen. The distraction only worked for a short while and she soon found herself holding the letter once again. Her fearful curiosity won out and she carefully opened the envelope. A letter was attached to an official document.

The letter was an apology, stating that paperwork had been misplaced. Because she and Arizona had filed their domestic partnership after their wedding ceremony, when Washington had passed Marriage Equality, their partnership had been retroactively converted to a legal marriage. Callie flipped the page and saw their marriage license. She'd completely forgotten about that with all that had happened between them over the past year.

_We're married? We're legally married?_ Callie's mind began to fill with all the implications that meant. _Does that mean we have to file for a legal separation? Do we have to divorce now? _

Calllie's hand moved to her chest as she felt her heart begin to race. Her knees felt weak and she had to grab onto the sofa to steady herself. She was confused by the mixed emotions she felt. She remembered callously saying to Arizona once that they really weren't married, and maybe thinking that way had made it just a little bit easier to walk away from their relationship.

Being legally married… Callie shook her head. Ending their relationship, truly ending it, meant they had to divorce. She wasn't sure if she was ready for the finality of a legal divorce. Sure, she felt a little lighter and freer since they'd split up, but she wasn't any happier. Not really. She was still in love with Arizona, of that she was certain. Sure, sometimes love wasn't enough, but if the love was there, didn't they still have a chance, could they still make it?

Callie set the letter down, her head in her hands. What if it was too late? Maybe Arizona didn't love her anymore. She hadn't given Arizona any reason to believe that she still loved the blonde, hadn't give her any reason to hope.

She abruptly stood up. She needed to speak with Arizona. She needed to know if they were really over, for good. She dug through her purse for her cell phone. Callie knew that she couldn't take Sofia with her. _Who can I call? I can't keep dumping Sofia off on Meredith. She has her hands full with two kids, and I have no idea how long this will be_.

She scrolled through her contacts before landing on the one person she knew she could count on. Pressing the send button, she set her plans into motion.

Two hours later, Sofia was up from her nap and had happily set up a tea party with her stuffed animals with an overjoyed Mama O'Malley as the guest of honor. The older woman shooed Callie away, letting her know that she had everything under control.

With a sigh of relief, Callie hurried out to her car. It hit her then that she had no idea where to drive. She still didn't know where Arizona lived. Putting the car into gear, she drove to the hospital in hopes of finding someone who would tell her.

Spotting an obviously pregnant April Kepner walking in the employees' parking lot, Callie slammed on the brakes and jumped out of her car.

"Kepner!" she shouted, running over to the trauma surgeon.

"Dr. Torres?"

"Kepner, I need to know where Arizona lives. I have to talk to her."

The younger surgeon stiffened. "She doesn't want to see you, Dr. Torres."

"April, please. I need to see her," Callie pleaded.

That surprised April. Callie never used the trauma surgeon's first name. She looked carefully at the ortho surgeon. Callie didn't seem angry; she seemed upset, almost frazzled, and her body was slightly trembling.

"What's wrong?" April asked concerned. "Is there something wrong with Sofia?"

"No, no, Sofia is fine. I really have to see Arizona. I have to talk to her," Callie repeated.

"I can't, Callie," April answered, her tone apologetic. "I promised Arizona."

"It's… I can't explain it to you, but I have to see her."

April felt sorry for Callie, despite her friendship with Arizona. She had watched the two women for months as they tried to navigate through their breakup. April didn't think either one of them was truly better off apart.

"If I tell you, Callie, you have to promise me that you aren't going to hurt her again. I don't think she could take any more heartache from you." April's voice was softer but there was also an undercurrent of warning.

"Please, April," Callie entreated.

"Fine, but you can't let Arizona know it was me," April said as she reached into her purse for a pen and something to write on.

"Thank you, April. I owe you big time," Callie said gratefully as she snatched the paper containing Arizona's address from the younger woman's hand.

"You're welcome, I hope," April said as she watched the older woman climb back into her car. "I hope I don't regret this," she said to herself.

Callie took a deep breath as she entered the address into her GPS. She needed to calm down. She didn't need to have an accident before she had a chance to talk to Arizona.

The drive to Arizona's home was short and left Callie with little time to rehearse what she wanted to say. She'd been so caught up in _how_ to find Arizona that she'd forgotten the speeches she'd repeatedly practiced on her way to the hospital.

Callie parked outside the small bungalow and leaned her head against the steering wheel. "It's now or never," she muttered to herself. "You can do this. You have to."

Grasping her marriage license, Callie got out of the car. Straightening her shoulders, she walked up the short path to the front door. She hesitated for a moment, before firmly knocking on the door.

_It was time they made a decision together._


End file.
